I will do more than belong., I will participate.
I will do more than believe., I will practice.
I will do more than forgive., I will forget.
I will do more than teach., I will inspire.
I will do more than care., I will help.
I will do more than dream., I will work.
I will do more than give., I will serve.

Hanged - over

My dear little brain, you should better start questioning why you still exist if you can't bring a change to this world? You have become a garbage dump ground where I daily dump tons and kilos of information only to leave it get rotten after a time. All my fault... but, you should have complained about this, didn't you?
Today i am feeling hanged - over. Ah! not because I have taken shelter of any ambrosia which in today's world closely relates with the alcohol that we consume but, because its been really too much of life that I have consumed without noting that it has some side effects too. My eyes are sleepy, my neck and shoulders are falling but, I still feel like pushing some more round of hours of slogging out to which I have got addicted since last few years. Give me some more work, some more task - I wanna drink it, in one go!!

Although, I am tired at this moment I am not broken. I will go harder - just give me some more to live, some more to burn my soul.

Feeling sleepy... going to bed. Could somebody please come and help me writing these last few words - It sucks...

Good night.

गुज़ारिश

चलो जिंदगी जरा हौले - हौले गुजार लेते हैं,

रफ़्तार धीमी कर, चंद साँसे बटोर लेते हैं |

महफूज़ पुलिंदे जो ख़्वाबों के छुपा रखे थे,

आज इनके जर्रे - जर्रे का हिसाब लेते हैं |



वक़्त की धूप नजरों को झुका ना पाए,

नाराजगी का नकाब चेहरे से उतार लेते हैं |

चलो कुछ ऐसे अफ़साने बनाये लेते हैं,

एक नज्म मोहब्बत की यूँ गुनगुनाये लेते हैं |


- Gyan

Move on

They say - Life is an incessant teacher. Agreed - Word by word, syllable by syllable. It teaches you lessons till the time you learn, even though it is harder way.

Wrote these few lines in train while coming from home. Journey always ignites some thought in mind, especially when you are alone and weather outside changes after each stop.

कई दिन बरसे बादल,
कई मौसम से निगाहों में नमी छायी थी |
काले धब्बे रह गए थे किनारों पे,
कैसी सौगात जिंदगी से पायी थी ?

आज सुबह चटकीली धूप छाते ही,
हमने ओसारे में गीला 'दिल' उतार रखा है |
सूख जाए तो फिर 'जलेगा' पल दो पल,
अकेले मुसाफिर को इतना साथ काफी है |

Slowly - slowly, time and journey give you courage to say "Move on" even if you can't overcome the worst.

- Gyan

Too much!!

Too much, I am sick of it, tired of it - can't handle it any more. There is too much of "Bhakti" everywhere around me. The morning begins with loudspeakers shouting anything which remotely relates with "Bhagwaan" and ends with similar rituals at home. So many people asking for mercy of God that they are incapable of doing good with their lives and finally some extra - terrestrial power would one day come and free them from all their sins. Come on!! why this much of hypocrisy? Why so much demeaning of human capabilities? - This is absolutely nonsense, instead of celebrating the virtue and goodness, society is moving towards lowering its capabilities. First of all, I am not that much confident about existence of God - even though he/she exists, I am sure he would not have suggested this sort of "Bhakti" which I am seeing around me - second I seriously doubt the teachings of current religious propaganda - may be for a while, for the sake of those around me I can nod my head in the favor of some liberal thoughts. I am sorry, I don't subscribe to this usual way of living and succumbing everything in hope that this nonsensical behavior will do good in my life.

I am not against religion or God but, yes! I am against all such rituals which are corroding society and human being. I am sure, there will always be a few people, even some of my closed ones, who will feel that this guy is gone insane and will one day understand realize the importance of such rituals in life but, there will be some who will understand that I am sick of this too much of religion around me. I am not a hardliner and will never try to be because the joy of life is in flowing like a river and accepting whatever comes in the way. Sorry if I have shaken your faith but, Oh God - if you are there and listening to me! for once, just for the sake of humanity, for the sake of yourself come down on this earth and show these people that you reside within us and there is no point in searching you outside in temples and churches. But then, I am sure that these people will refuse you in accepting you as God - Mark my words.

Gyan

डर

तेरे खामोश सवालों से जो दूर भागा हूँ,
कि अब ठहर जाने से डर लगता है |
इतने पत्थर बटोर रखे हैं ज़माने ने राहों में,
ठोकरे खा कर संभल जाने में डर लगता है |

जिक्र तेरा ज़ेहन में है लेकिन, लबों पे आ पाता नहीं,
बन्दे को खुदाया बंदगी निभाने से डर लगता है |
तेरी ख़ुशबू मेरी साँसों में इस कदर है लिपटी,
मदहोश हो कर दम निकल जाने से डर लगता है |

---------------------------------------------------------

मुझसे मत पूछिए ये आंधी कब चली, कैसे ?
पाँव उखड़े हैं, आशियाना उजड़ जाने से डर लगता है,
मैंने कल शाम जलायी थी कुछ पुरानी यादें,
राख तुझ तक न पहुँच जाए, ज़माने से डर लगता है |

बहुत आहिस्ता चढ़ रहा है तेरी हाथों पे हिनाई का रंग,
अश्कों के संग ये भी ना बह जाए, से डर लगता है |

- Gyan Vikas

रंग

Wrote these lines a few days back - Nothing special about it, just wanted to see this मुक्तक in the background color of my blog.. &... It doesn't look as sad as it felt when it was written.

मेज की दराज में एक ख़त पड़ा है,
भेजने को रखा था कल शाम से |
शफ़क से कुछ रंग तोड़ लाया था,
सूखे, सुर्ख़ लाल, बासंती, पीले
तेरे जूड़े में लगाने के लिए |

रात भर पानी गिरता रहा है, मुसलसल
दिल की तरह ख़त भी गीला है,
अश्कों की तरह बह चले हैं रंग, हौले - हौले |

- Gyan

One more D... Deterrence

Did I spell it right or I missed the hyphen I used in D-lit? Talk legally - my mind says. You are not supposed to be lexically correct every time but yes, you are supposed to abide by the law. So it hardly matters whether I write 'Deterrence' or 'Deter-ance'. There is nothing like right or wrong when you cross the boundaries of grammar and land into the heaven of expressions. Anyways, this structured world of rules and conventions doesn't lead one to an immortal higher world. So what's the heck!! Now, that I have decided to cross this border between the 'two states' why should I worry about 'Deterrence'? Because, there is a bigger world living inside us which doesn't allow us to go haywire. Ever experienced it? Let’s do it this way - how much wrong can you do in life? Once, twice, thrice.... may be a million times... for some may be a zillion times. But, what’s after that? Somewhere within us there lies a golden core which stops us in taking a wrong step forward. Isn't it? But, what about the feeling of repentance that engulfs within the heart? Is it possible to wipe it out?


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
With every sip of alcohol, I was going closer to what was going in my mind. I knew it was wrong. Something was strange there in my mind. But, I couldn’t stop it. There was no point in waiting for her coming back. Once again, I wanted to cry… not out of anger that She left me but, because there was so much shattered within me which was hers and She just left all that with me. Oh come on!! You could have taken it along with you… the passion, the emotions, the life which was within me… breathing inside me since the day you came in my life, oops!! Sorry, between me and my death… You should have taken all of these along with you. It was never mine; I was anyways going to lose them after falling from that 6 storied building. Should I be thankful to you? No, I can’t. It’s harder to live without you than dying with you.

We would have gone out of this world within a few seconds if she would not have stopped me… or, she would not have asked for the reason we were doing that. All of it would have ended with that. I saw her face; it turned red… but, not out of fear from falling freely in gravity and colliding with the rocky hard surface. I looked into her eyes. I had seen that courage and determination several times which was once again saying it loudly that whatever might come, life or peril, she would hold my hand. But then, there was a question hanging in her deep blue eyes like a small boat sails in large ocean without knowing whether it will reach the shore one day or not.

If it would have been just about me – I would not have even thought for a second. It was more than just me – It was about us. With falling tone, she asked me, “Is it worth to sacrifice our lives because this society doesn’t allow us to be together? Isn’t it being a loser?” She always had this winning attitude whether it was love or war. There was nothing more beautiful in her than her attitude towards life. I just had no answer for her. I knew it was wrong, may be something more brutal than what the word ‘wrong’ could describe. We both have gone through life’s difficult patches in last couple of months – consulting the doctors, convincing our families, satisfying their ever growing egos, saying no to their endless plans to separate us etc. And finally it reached to a point where we had to choose between the two ends. We did all efforts to bring these two ends closer but, our families were too adamant to be convinced. Finally, that night we decided to end this story.

She came to my flat, which looked more hers than mine because of her countless photographs there on the wall. She looked tired and sat beside me. We didn’t speak to each other for several minutes. I broke the silence and said, “Let’s do it.” She silently came out with me. We locked the door and within a few minutes we were on the roof top of my apartment. I thought if we couldn’t live together, at least we could die together. And then she asked that question about being a loser, something which she never wanted to become. She cried vehemently and I could understand her. I once again asked her whether She was ready to do that or not. And, for the first time she answered negatively. We sat there beneath that dark sky. We knew the choices we had – either to get separated and agree to whatever our families were saying, or to leave our families and achieve each other. I wanted to ask her the reasons when she held my hand and said, “You have to live. I will die.” Her face was looking more firm this time. I held her in my arms and said, “Why only you? What good I will do if I have to live without you? We decided to die together… now why only you should die?”

“Because, you have a life ahead and I don’t know how much days I have.” She replied.

I could not hold my emotions for that explanation. I already had talked with several doctors and surgeons in major hospitals. Most of them have suggested even after operation there was very small chance of survival. The fact that she was suffering from inherently serious and life threatening growth of cells within her central spinal canal, in medical terms called as brain tumor, was horrifying our world like a dragon. My family had made up their mind that they wouldn’t allow me to marry her because of this reason while her family was making hopeless efforts to get somebody who can bring her back from danger of that tiny growth of cells. I dragged her into my arms, closer to me and told, “Life will be no good to me without you. I can’t see you dying like this every day. I love you more than my life and I would prefer dying with you rather than living without you.”

“But, that way our love will die forever which I don’t want. You need to live to show them that love can transcend the will of this society.” She told.

“If you really want our love to come true, why don’t you marry me?” I asked.

“Because, I don’t want to spoil your life. Perhaps, your parents are correct… you will get nothing after marrying me.” She answered.

After a while, we came downstairs. We could not eat anything and she left after a few hours of silence. That night I decided to marry her against the wish of my family. I called her in the night to say that the next day we were getting married. She just said to wait for the morning.

The next morning, my cell phone beeped. It was her message, “You have to live… for me. My love will live through your breaths. I loveD you more than my life. Good bye.” I desperately called her several times but, she didn’t pick it up. I took my car and rushed towards her house only to find it locked. I called ever body that I could so that I could trace her. Then, in the late morning I got a call from nearest police station saying that they have found a dead body on seashores and her mobile had last messaged me.

I didn’t know how to respond. I cried, bashed my head against the wall…

I read her SMS once again. How could she do this to me? She could have at least met me before taking any decision. So much of grief, pain, anger was flowing through my veins that it was becoming hard for me to breathe. I felt as if someone was strangulating me, choking my throat… and still, asking me to live, to breathe. I knew she would not have lived for long but then, why did she ask me to live. Didn’t she know that I could not live without her?

With every sip of alcohol, I was blaming myself responsible for whatever had happened. I didn’t want to live anymore. How could I let it happen? It all started with me. It was my desire to be with her and I should be held guilty of that. I had committed a crime and I should not fear from “Deterrence”. I opened that SMS and pressed delete button.

Within a few minutes, I will be falling freely from the same roof… I know that I am going against her last wish… but, there is no point in keeping her love alive for this society. As far as I am concerned, there is only one thing left within me – Remorse.

D-Lit

Lot has been said, written and withdrawn from this blog without giving any chance to this cyber space to record them. Not that I didn't want to record it, but, simply that somehow I don't believe this world of bits and bytes. Things get hacked very soon, and it is quite detrimental when the target is your emotions, feelings. Who cares about the security of these things now a days... We are living in a world of globalization. Do everything belongs to community, then? Nothing is personal? What about my identity? What about my self? Does it also belongs to community or public?

Buzzzz... Why am I asking these questions? I am drifting from the topic, is it? ----
lets get back to where I began.

So, definitely a lot has happened in last few days. Some have found pages in my personal diary... some are living in the poems which I composed... some, who were more precious, could not find expressions.



I asked this question to me "If given a chance would you like to delete this part from your life." I kept searching for the answer. It leads to no where. I was thinking about this question when the cellphone rang.

"Hello, how are you?" She asked.
"Hi, I was just... u know...hmmm... thinking about what if I delete you from my life. I mean... I was just wondering if...", I never wanted to speak these words but, as I said earlier words betray you when you need them most.

"What? Are you drunk or something? what are you talking about... and by the way, I haven't called you to listen to your crappy philosophical thoughts..." She retaliated.

This was enough to wake me up from my deep, dizzy mood which automatically becomes my face when I think about her. I knew I had made a terrible mistake. Already we had not have anything except long silences and pauses since last few conversations. And this time I screwed up whatever little lively relationship we had between us.

I tried to fix it up, "Listen, I didn't mean it... I was just...hmmm... reading a newspaper, it was written there..." It becomes bitter when you wrap pepper into a Neem leaf.

"So, You are now trying to fool me? I got your intentions" and she disconnected.

I sat on my study chair and thought whether my question made her angry or my lie? I thought about sending her an apology through sms (in any case, I did not want to talk to her again). I lit a cigarette, smoked a few puffs but, could not gather courage to send her an apology.

I once again started thinking about the question when alarm buzzer rings - Good Morning. It shows 5:40 in the morning and there is still some graying darkness outside the window. With heavy eyes and damp heart, I wake up.

But, the question still rings in my head "Should I delete...?"

कुछ मोड़ जो आपकी सर्द यादों में गुमशुदा हो चले,
कुछ राहें जो लम्बी हो गयी खामोश निगाहों में,
है सवाल इतना बस कि हाल - ए - जिगर क्या होगा,
लहू के कतरे जब आँखों से अश्कों के संग बह चले |

May be I won't be able to it.

Flower Sketch

Retrace and Explore

A fine morning, it occurred to me as if i should try doing it which i left after my childhood. Nothing special - just retracing those paths.

GV - 12th Aug 2010

Something is broken

Its hard to recollected things when you don't know what all is shattered within you. You try to forget the past... try to say to yourself that the bygone is gone but, your mind doesn't listen to you. Every time you try to forget the past, you remember it more. So much of wishes get buried down in the sands of time only to rise like a phoenix time and again. You try to get rid of them, run away of them but, it becomes your shadow... whether you want it or don't want, it walks with you and constantly reminds you about those incidents. Your try to keep yourself busy in other activities, you engage yourself with outside world but, it does not help. From some corner of your eye, you see it standing behind you and smiling sarcastically on your condition - Look at the poor guy, he is trying to forget something which was his soul a few hours back. The coordination between mind, body and soul is lost. Body is indulged in some other physical activity, mind is trying hard to forget the past but, look at the heart - all its pieces cry in unison not allowing you to listen to the other two. The harder the blow, more the pieces and more are the cries.

The scarlet sun in the evening takes you back to those days when everything was alright... as you wanted. The night falls outside just to remind you that this darkness will not end with the next morning. The sun shines and teases you that his light is not for you... it can't reach the closest within you. Each hour passes like you are walking through centuries. You know what you have lost... but, then you say it was never yours. You try to renounce things, this world... want to take a dip into the sea of your fond memories... you want to relive them... fix whatever has gone awry. As they say, time heals all the wounds... does it? You see yourself in the mirror and try to say those words to yourself - you feel like crying... your fist clinches, you want to hit the mirror hard... its not about the mirror but, its more about yourself. And then you see yourself in those pieces of mirror, you see yourself broken into thousand pieces... pieces which you won't be able to recollect.

Time doesn't heal those wounds, it just gives you thousand others so that you can forget this one.

Irony of being vocal

Life sometimes give you happiness only to take it away before you realize that you had it. It is like, loosing an unfought war or, giving away something which was never yours. You cry that why didn't you say it? You knew it, you knew the way it was going to end but, still you could not help it. Sometimes, the words are just short to express yourself. Words which are meant to say your feelings, your emotions, your expressions... fall short of their credibility. Your voice stops, throat dries, mind abandons you... and finally you just walk away without uttering a single word which you wanted to say. You lose it, you bang your head on the wall, your eyes water... and it occurs that there is an irony of being vocal. The ugliest, the least expected happens. You just stand there alone in the darkness, empty handed like you have lost not only what you wanted but yourself also. It grips you like a snake and you feel like being strangulated... You want to cry, to shout but then the mind says - it's you who made it happen, you who didn't have courage to ask for what you wanted... Your two selves emerge - one criticizing the other for his cowardliness while other self just listening to it.

It betrays you when you need it most.

It is all lost. All your ambitions, aspirations, dreams... shattered by one stroke of this undone state of your mind. You know you can't fix it. You want to repent for your mistake but, how to do it... You don't know. Time doesn't stay at one place, similar to our heart. You want to go back to that moment but, Alas! you can't. Such an emptiness, void you have never felt in your life. There is no body to listen to you but, you keep talking to yourself. You want to move ahead from it but, the thought is not leaving you. You want to become quite, silent but, words... like a boomerang... come back to you. For that moment, you want to be alone... lose your words but, see the irony of being vocal - it doesn't leave you then.

Indian Summer Internship: Where does it go wrong?

This is my second internship, the first one was during engineering and this one is during MBA. I have realized that there is lack of seriousness in the attitude of hiring companies which ultimately settles down into a poor corporate environment. As far as my understanding about summer trainings goes on - these trainings are not meant for just HR fomalities but, meant for identifying a potential employee. I joined DSCL as summer intern a month back and the first day HR told me that I was going to get tough time with my guide in finding appointments with him and his feedback. He advised me to do things at my own so that I could learn something. That advise gave me idea about DSCL's corporate culture. Believe me, I was true in my calculations.

It is like a typical internship where they least care about what you are doing, how you are doing it... and all those things that should be taken care of. Is this for which they sign a student? I have to wait for days to get appointment with my guide who is supposed to be my mentor. And, at the end of the day they say that Sorry, we expected something more from you. Everytime I call up this guy and he replies that he is busy and will call me back in a while. But, that 'in a while' returns after 4 days when he finally says that he was busy cleaning his room so he could not call. I am tired of this response but, can't help myself because I am a summer trainee and I don't have any authority to speak. Is this the corporate culture that they want to imbibe in me? Sorry, I don't surrender... I can't work like this. It is absolutely nonsense.

Everybody puts his best effort in internship in the hope that he will get a PPO. But, ask me, even if they give me a PPO I am going to reject it straightaway and throw it on their faces. Anyways, they are not going to give me PPO because if they wanted to give it, they must have judged me or anybody on those parameters. They say that these are activities under HR and we don't like giving PPOs. OIh My God! If this is so then why didn't you disclose it at the time of interview? Everytime, students are fooled by these hefty promises but, the irony is that neither the corporations nor the academic institutions have ever tried to know the truth. All we need is just a 50 pages long report and a certificate saying that this student has completed his training.

I don't know when will we realize it, but, till the time we realize, I am sure many students would have burnt their 2 months under these terrible working conditions.

Way to Ajbapur

Today morning, I went to Ajbapur unit of DSCL. Leaving Loni in the morning, in a Mahindra Bolero with driver JV Singh, I witnessed one more face of rural India. Cutting through the roads and streets of villages, I was mesmerized by the beauty and simplicity of Indian villages. These are same as they were 40 years back. Nothing has changed - still no roads, no electricity, mud houses, children playing dirt and still there was so much serenity that even a restless soul can find peace in Indian villages. Coming back from Ajbapur, we had mangoes and cucumber in our lunch. What a joy to have those juicy and tasty mangoes from UP in your lunch. I am still feeling full of stomach.

A nice trip has come to end, but only to make path for a newer one. Its a realization that India is still a country of villages. :)

Pictures from Loni

Some pictures during my stay at DSCL Sugar Loni Unit,

Windy thoughts

Wind blows through my sides, giving me realization that I am soaring through these limitless fields. I stand there at mid night facing those empty fields, while half moon smiles over the sky covering those tiny twinkling stars with his blanket of moon light. I raise my head and search for 'Saptarshi', the only thing I recognize in the sky except moon. In my childhood, when I used to sleep on rooftop of my house, I used to look at it for hours. People say that these are DemiGods who guard the doors of heaven. I used to search for heaven through that gate and sometime, when a cloud used to came in that area, a curiosity used to catch my mind. Today, I see it with the same curiosity and it looks so silly to me but, I do not turn away. As usual, it is silent but, I can hear the sound of blowing wind.

Thoughts come to my mind, endless thoughts. I think about my past but, I can't recall much. I can't see myself as child, I don't remember how I used to look in those days, I can't see the colour of my clothes... all I remember is that curiosity, that inquisitveness which is yet present within me. I remember the darkness in streets, the dogs whom I always bewared of, my school gate, empty stairs of my building and then the moon smiling over all of them. I run through those streets and come out on my bicycle that was my only prized posession in those days. It is still there but, there are a few many items which have taken its place. Suddenly, the wind blows again and the chain of thoughts breaks as if the wind has pierced through my body. I leave the thoughts there under the open sky and come back to my room although, I want to stay there.

I try to sleep when Prashant Sir calls me. We discuss many things over the call... silence breaks and the first time in last few days I talk to somebody for over half an hour. After a while I try to sleep but, my mind does not allow me to stop thinking. I think about past, present and future without any motive and keep rolling over the bed. It is 2:30 AM in the morning, and I am still fighting to get a sleep. I have a project review tomorrow but, I have not prepared anything for it. I think about project but, my mind switches over to other topics. I know I have to get a sound sleep so that I can work tomorrow. This goes on till 5 in the morning when my alarm rings. I switch it off and finally falls into sleep.

I wake up and run towards the office, prepapre some data for project. People are gone for lunch, but I still sit here in my office. i don't feel like being hungry but, I am definitely feeling sleepy. The AC is off, fan is blowing hot air over my face and it reminds me of last night's blowing wind.

1344 hrs., DSCL sugar office, Loni, UP

Bodh

Limitless sky, a half moon and countless stars... and I sitting on a bench looking at them, willing to capture that moment in my heart so that some day, when I will be tired of my daily routine, I will be able to revisit that. I feel like being too small in this universe but, my thoughts, my emotions, my feelings are more that what I can predict them. I feel like all my sins are washed away in that single moment of solitude and solace. These nights, stars and moon have witnessed thousands of years, may be even more, but, still they never say a single word. They still look towards me with same curiosity. I feel like I am something more than just a combination of flesh, blood and bones. Why don't these walls talk? Why don't they cry like we do? Why is there so much of silence? I ask these questions and feel that is it true that human beings or living beings are special in this world? I want to talk... and all these stars, walls and stones are very good listeners. And for a moment, I feel the importance of having good listeners around me. I don't want answers of all my questions... all I want is somebody who does not reflect but, absorbs all my thoughts.

You are my true friend, you are my companion. Although you seem lifeless to this world, you are just a piece of rock for this world, but, they don't know that life is mortal but, lifeless is immortal. You will be here in this world for millions of years with countless secrets buried in your heart.

I want to capture this moment in my heart but, someday I will not be here in this world and then I will not be able to recall this moment. It is temporary. Being a living object is temporary... I feel jealous to you, to your permanency. You change the form but, you are immortal.

I walk through the lawn and everything is quite, gripped by silence all over the environment as if announcing that "Listen to me O tiny human being, I am the sole ruler of this world... i am the one who is permanent." I feel so relieved, it reminds me of my existence and for that one moment I forget everything, all my deeds, my sins, my virtues. It has got no meaning.

@ Loni

I arrived here on 12th, 35 KMs away from Shahjahanpur, 1 hr. drive from station on highway and its been almost a week that i have been here. Sometimes frustrated, sometimes lonely, sometimes workaholic... this place has witnessed several shades of my personality in just 6 days. There are only and only farmlands in vicinity and it becomes so lonely and romantic at night, that I start feeling like there are two personalities within me - one who stands there idly and gazes the darkness and the other one who wanders through the open space and does not want to come back.

Sometimes, I regret my choice of summer internship location but, at the same moment it gives me pleasure that it is different, it is abnormal, it is not what people dream about but, it exists and once again a familiar quote rings in my mind "Different is Normal."

1625 hrs. 18th May 2010
DSCL Sugar - Loni, UP

new to excel

MS excel is one such application that I used to hate but, this time it caught me by neck. After spending a few days on it I have started liking it. Just realized how much powerfull this tool is (had my 1st deliverable). Tommorrow night I will have to leave for ShahjahanPur (Loni Plant). Its going to be exciting to be in a village and work on excel and SAP :)

11th may 2010 - 13:25 Hrs. Delhi
Gyan

and it begins!!

It began on 7th May... I mean... Summer internship at DSCL. As predicted, I am not going to stay at Delhi for long. Within a few days, I have to leave for Loni sugar plant. The project is of inventory planning and involvs working on SAP, Excel. Lets see whats more in the box.

Last few days - an update.

Finatics was over on sunday. Although, it was ritualistic yet, had got several complements from friends. I know that more than Finatics they respect our hard work. Thanks Guys! Life is easier to live with your support.

Then, a long cycle tour once again... back to Ganga Canal and ChoubeyPur. Around 36 kms this time with, almost 10km cut short from last tour. Thanks to Atul Tripathy sir and his fellow prof (I don't know his name) for motivating us. Hitting the GT road after village increases heart beat and this time we covered this 15 km distance on GT road without any significant break. Was about to go Bithoor today morning but, feeling tired because of this scorching summer heat. Next tour will be probably in next sem. Till then, exams and summer interns.

A few wars on facebook and e - mail. Internet sucks big time... hence proved. It is information technology not communication technology. In the name of democracy, we fight over FB and e - mail. Where are we heading towards? Internet should be used for information not for putting arguments and disagreements. So, I have stopped participating in these wars.

Anyways, have tough months ahead.

gyan

It begins from today. After burning many mid night oils, we are on the verge of launching of Finatics 2010, annual finance conclave at IIT Kanpur. From today evening, there will be no place to sit idle. On my personal level, I am sure about smooth happening of this event. The stage is set, all we need is participation from students. Lets see how does it turn out. But, I am happy that on 11th, it will be over.

Every time I lost enthusiasm, I decided to move a little further and that's how we have reached till here. There were moments when I thought of scrapping this event but, it was terrific to get support from friends especially Chandan, Ripul, Akhil and Chetak. It is rightly said that sometimes the best strategy is to swim with flow. I know, these 3 days are crucial from a host's point of view. But, I am not alone. We are a batch of 42 odd students and I am sure every body will turn out to make this event a success.

Welcome to Finatics :)

Gyan
Student Coordinator
Finatics 2010, IIT Kanpur

It has been a hectic month since I arrived here after mid sem break. Never knew that it would have been so tiring that I would plead God to give me courage to somehow carry on. Now that 2 days are remaining for Finatics 2010 to take off, I am desperate for 11th April evening. Please forgive me, if you think that this event has not sucked life out of my days... Yes! It has. A lot of effort has been done in backside to make this event whatever it is going to be. At this moment, I want to sit aside and peacefully watch whatever happens. The biggest challenge is to manage resources as we could not raise enough money through sponsorships.

I don't want to leave neither do I want to continue... what I need is just a calm evening and silence. It is a sin to lose enthusiasm at this point of time. Together, we have brought this event at this point. I can't lose it now, but I can;t handle it also. I will be the happiest one if it happens without any hurdles. A lot of hard work has gone behind this and the success of it can't be measured in terms of participation.

Gyan

A welcome change

We see people, we try to become like them and in that pursuit we find our paths and destination. That is how this world progresses. Learning can't be imparted until it is exemplified. A good teacher must set a standard that his students should aspire.

Recently I heard Dr. JPN, in Techkriti. An inspirational leader, a good orator and sometimes, an intelligent commander... JPN ignites that fire of working for the people. Politics can't be separated from the youth. It is a sin if the best of this country turn their faces from the problems. This world needs the best to come out and find the solutions of its problems. And, Politics is the means of achieving this highest feat of human service.

If I remember correctly, in Bhagwad Geeta, Arjuna asks Lord Krishna about KarmYoga. What should be the motto of a human life? Should not human being try to achieve salvation through GyanYoga only? And Krishna replies that there is no way one can escape from the bondages of this world. The only way to satisfy both the ends is to work with detachment. It is the sacred duty of the individual to work for the well being of the society. One can't reach satisfaction without fulfilling his duties for the society. Till the time, there is tears in the eyes of society it is there in the eyes of all of us. KarmYoga is a brilliant piece of philosophical talk. One should look it in the views of our today's world and realize that it covers all the aspects of human behaviour.

Recently I was reading about farmer suicides in India. It was shameful to know that the country that produces lakhs and lakhs of engineers has suffered more than 2 lakh suicide in last 4 years. Every 30 min. there is a suicide happening in this nation and still we are happy in comparing our GDP growths with that of China. A few people told me that I was getting over carried on such topics. Forgive me, If I am over carried but, isn't it an issue to ponder about? Are we so much insensible that it hardly matters to what happens in our neighbourhood? I hope, not. The only thing is that we are happy in our lives and do not want to get involved in such issues either because of our fear or because of our undone situation. And if that is the situation, we have no rights to question about anything in this world. There are lot many problems that haunt our future and we are living like nothing happens in this world. Till when we will keep on saying "All izz well?"

I have many questions to ask from myself but, I do not know how to find their solution? But, I know it is either now or never.

Gyan

It takes effort to make right thing right

Since a few days, I was trying to push myself to find out the purpose of my actions and reactions. Rarely do I watch my reactions, most of the time these are spontaneous. However, I tried to do this experiment with my behaviour and got some amazing results. The very first thing that I noticed was the abundancy in my life and attitude. I compared my life with other people most of the time with common people, those who do not have much luxury in life. The one question that always came out was that "What had I done to feel apart from from them?" Or, more precisely, what good deeds of mine are the resulting in today's luxury. Why can't everybody attain this so called luxury of life. Mind you, at 24 if you are partying with friends and living in a luxurious college hostel... you need to stand apart for a while and see yourself from a distance. In this one silent moment you will realize that something more is expected from you. The expectance may not be clearly visibly to you but, ask the mess worker who prepares food sor you, or the labourer who works in chilling winter night to build your hostel... They may not know you personally but, all of them see you as a light which will guide this world to become a better living place. And in return what do we do... take a high paying job and someday leave the country as non returning Indians.

Expectation is a subtle force that motivates us to reach pinnacle of human values. We may be mean in our worlds but, for the world which sees us from a few distance we are their torch bearers. Isn't it crime if we turn our faces from the very basic duty towards these people? Isn't it a sin if we do not give them anything in return. Society is a network of human values. Till the time virtues are there, the progress happens. I, as a student, owe much to this society. Before nation, before land my first duty is towards these common people who unknowingly put their efforts in my success.

It takes efforts to make right things right. Small values gives us courage and confidence to move ahead in life. As I see these people around me, my faith in humanity and its virtues becomes stronger and stronger.

Gyan

Struggling with myself.

This is a big problem with me. At times, I find myself struggling with my inner self, a self that says me what is correct what is not. I question myself too frequently, and immediately try to avoid finding answer of it. Don't know whether the answer is too horrendous to listen to or, the question itself is too vague to be asked. At distance things look beautiful but, as they come closer, their closeness brings a sense of fear and neglect with me. Is it because, that song was bad or, I did not like the loudness of it. May be I would have appreciated the fainting sound of that song. But, why don't all things look beautiful from distance. Why is it that I like the fainting sound of that song and not its loudness. Looks like, it is human nature. But, still not sure, whether it is human nature or it is the nature of all beings.

I constantly run away from my thoughts. Don't know why, but, are my thoughts too dangerous that even I can't give it an ear. Thoughts are like rain drops, one after another and suddenly they disappear as they meet the soil. Is it the soil's thirst that gulps the rain water, or is it the rain drop's desperation that it can't satisfy the happiness of its meeting with soil. Is it that the thought is not worthy enough to be asked or is it we don't have answer to all the questions.

It is a written code that our species is superior to all other living beings because we have mind. Can't it be other way round that we are still the lowest in this race of intelligence. We still need a mind to think about but, may be other animals don't need a separate organ to think about such trivial issues.

Can't say, but it looks like there is something complex with our race. Someday, we will find the answer whether we are progressing or regressing.

Is it correct to publish my thoughts? I don't know but, I just felt like pressing the keys of my keyboard and write some nonsense. Is nonsense always insane, I don't think so... Lets celebrate this world of insanity... I am not the only one... this whole world is full of such insane and mad living creatures... I am just one of them... or, trying to one of them. I don't know and better, why should I ask this question. Not all the questions have answers but, that itself negates the theory of questioning. A question without answer is not not a question. It is something else... what is it... thought, nah! some thing else...

Lets find out. Concentrate... concentrate!!! fuck off... what is there in concentrating? I am trying to find out something that does not exist. Or, is it that we still don't know what to call a question that does not have answer.

Lets shut it up. There is no point of writing like this. In any case, I am not a structured thinker... then what I am? An unstructured thinker... that in itself is a big complement.

Please... end this story. This is definitely the worst piece of writing that I have done. But, the worst comes out only when you are not at ease. I am perfectly at my ease... had a fantastic dinner, and laying comfortably on my bed. Then how could it be worse?

Oh! this is enough.

Ok, Ok... Lets lock it. I am ending this post without any need of ending it. But, I don't like to talk with you, to listen to you. If you don't want to listen to me turn your head.

Whom am I talking with? You... not with 'I'. Forgive me if I have pained 'I' but, I like it. I like my other self talking with myself. That is the way I am.

IIT kanpur 1

A few days back when I returned from college and was looking for our hall 10 dhobi in hostel, a found a discussion going on. These dhobis at IIT (at other places also) are like a lifeline and, we recognised this fact during our first few days when RamRaj took our clothes and did not return it even after 15 days. The situation became so thought provoking that some of my friends presented it as a skit before the audience in fresher party. Since then, we are always careful in giving our clothes to them.

Jokes apart, the discussion was on the current situation of dhobis at IIT. We had already heard enough about IIT K - Nankari issue from RV but, I never gave enough attention to his thoughts. For those who don't know about this issue, IIT K is in the vicinity of Nankari village. When this college was established, vilagers from nankari were displaced, their lands were snatched from them. In lieu of that, they might have been given some compensation (that I always feel must have been too meagre) or some kind of work in this institution. A few of them became dhobis. Its been 50 years that this institution was established. And, now the descendants of those people are in the same business of providing service to IIT K. But, there have been many attempts from college management to remove them. This IIT K - Nankari issue has taken a critical shape here.

Well, any stand on this issue needs a first-hand research but, It gives me a feeling that something somewhere is wrong. Sometimes, I strongly agree with RV's take on this so called 'The Great IIT system'. Till the time, I do not get a deeper understnading of this issue, I have no rights to comment.

Gyan

Winter chill

Fog, chill and friends. A few moments captured tonight while I walked down the road.

Gyan

All izz well

Watched 3 idiots a few days back... Phew! I was expecting a little more in movie than just a copy of FPS. Let it be, that is already been a dragged issue between chetan and film maker and they are in a better position to comment not me.

A movie like this, then a passing year and then a long winter vacation of 45 days made me think about the proposition "All izz well." It all went on as expected... a fabulous year passed by side while I kept dancing on the tunes of bollywood numbers. Then I came back and started flipping through the photos that I captured in 2009. It feels so good... Ah! life can't be better than this. It looks like a ODI match in which I was undoubtedly the 'man of the match'. A sensational opening with a few good scores in MBA entrance exams... then running between the wickets to get some singles. An unexpected foreign tour that I call more luxury than usual on site engagements, final selection in IIT K, and then a king style way to resign from the company. Then, the second inning at IIT Kanpur. We call it hotel not the hostel, and you can very well guess the reason.

What more could have I demanded from life. I don't know whether it is true or not but, sometimes I feel that We always get what we desire.

2010 may not be same as 2009 but, it will be an another fabulous year which I am waiting for.

Why should not I tell myself "Chachu, All izzz well."

Gyan
03-01-2010