Did I spell it right or I missed the hyphen I used in D-lit? Talk legally - my mind says. You are not supposed to be lexically correct every time but yes, you are supposed to abide by the law. So it hardly matters whether I write 'Deterrence' or 'Deter-ance'. There is nothing like right or wrong when you cross the boundaries of grammar and land into the heaven of expressions. Anyways, this structured world of rules and conventions doesn't lead one to an immortal higher world. So what's the heck!! Now, that I have decided to cross this border between the 'two states' why should I worry about 'Deterrence'? Because, there is a bigger world living inside us which doesn't allow us to go haywire. Ever experienced it? Let’s do it this way - how much wrong can you do in life? Once, twice, thrice.... may be a million times... for some may be a zillion times. But, what’s after that? Somewhere within us there lies a golden core which stops us in taking a wrong step forward. Isn't it? But, what about the feeling of repentance that engulfs within the heart? Is it possible to wipe it out?
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With every sip of alcohol, I was going closer to what was going in my mind. I knew it was wrong. Something was strange there in my mind. But, I couldn’t stop it. There was no point in waiting for her coming back. Once again, I wanted to cry… not out of anger that She left me but, because there was so much shattered within me which was hers and She just left all that with me. Oh come on!! You could have taken it along with you… the passion, the emotions, the life which was within me… breathing inside me since the day you came in my life, oops!! Sorry, between me and my death… You should have taken all of these along with you. It was never mine; I was anyways going to lose them after falling from that 6 storied building. Should I be thankful to you? No, I can’t. It’s harder to live without you than dying with you.
We would have gone out of this world within a few seconds if she would not have stopped me… or, she would not have asked for the reason we were doing that. All of it would have ended with that. I saw her face; it turned red… but, not out of fear from falling freely in gravity and colliding with the rocky hard surface. I looked into her eyes. I had seen that courage and determination several times which was once again saying it loudly that whatever might come, life or peril, she would hold my hand. But then, there was a question hanging in her deep blue eyes like a small boat sails in large ocean without knowing whether it will reach the shore one day or not.
If it would have been just about me – I would not have even thought for a second. It was more than just me – It was about us. With falling tone, she asked me,
“Is it worth to sacrifice our lives because this society doesn’t allow us to be together? Isn’t it being a loser?” She always had this winning attitude whether it was love or war. There was nothing more beautiful in her than her attitude towards life. I just had no answer for her. I knew it was wrong, may be something more brutal than what the word ‘wrong’ could describe. We both have gone through life’s difficult patches in last couple of months – consulting the doctors, convincing our families, satisfying their ever growing egos, saying no to their endless plans to separate us etc. And finally it reached to a point where we had to choose between the two ends. We did all efforts to bring these two ends closer but, our families were too adamant to be convinced. Finally, that night we decided to end this story.
She came to my flat, which looked more hers than mine because of her countless photographs there on the wall. She looked tired and sat beside me. We didn’t speak to each other for several minutes. I broke the silence and said, “Let’s do it.” She silently came out with me. We locked the door and within a few minutes we were on the roof top of my apartment. I thought if we couldn’t live together, at least we could die together. And then she asked that question about being a loser, something which she never wanted to become. She cried vehemently and I could understand her. I once again asked her whether She was ready to do that or not. And, for the first time she answered negatively. We sat there beneath that dark sky. We knew the choices we had – either to get separated and agree to whatever our families were saying, or to leave our families and achieve each other. I wanted to ask her the reasons when she held my hand and said, “You have to live. I will die.” Her face was looking more firm this time. I held her in my arms and said, “Why only you? What good I will do if I have to live without you? We decided to die together… now why only you should die?”
“Because, you have a life ahead and I don’t know how much days I have.” She replied.
I could not hold my emotions for that explanation. I already had talked with several doctors and surgeons in major hospitals. Most of them have suggested even after operation there was very small chance of survival. The fact that she was suffering from inherently serious and life threatening growth of cells within her central spinal canal, in medical terms called as brain tumor, was horrifying our world like a dragon. My family had made up their mind that they wouldn’t allow me to marry her because of this reason while her family was making hopeless efforts to get somebody who can bring her back from danger of that tiny growth of cells. I dragged her into my arms, closer to me and told, “Life will be no good to me without you. I can’t see you dying like this every day. I love you more than my life and I would prefer dying with you rather than living without you.”
“But, that way our love will die forever which I don’t want. You need to live to show them that love can transcend the will of this society.” She told.
“If you really want our love to come true, why don’t you marry me?” I asked.
“Because, I don’t want to spoil your life. Perhaps, your parents are correct… you will get nothing after marrying me.” She answered.
After a while, we came downstairs. We could not eat anything and she left after a few hours of silence. That night I decided to marry her against the wish of my family. I called her in the night to say that the next day we were getting married. She just said to wait for the morning.
The next morning, my cell phone beeped. It was her message, “You have to live… for me. My love will live through your breaths. I
loveD you more than my life. Good bye.” I desperately called her several times but, she didn’t pick it up. I took my car and rushed towards her house only to find it locked. I called ever body that I could so that I could trace her. Then, in the late morning I got a call from nearest police station saying that they have found a dead body on seashores and her mobile had last messaged me.
I didn’t know how to respond. I cried, bashed my head against the wall…
I read her SMS once again. How could she do this to me? She could have at least met me before taking any decision. So much of grief, pain, anger was flowing through my veins that it was becoming hard for me to breathe. I felt as if someone was strangulating me, choking my throat… and still, asking me to live, to breathe. I knew she would not have lived for long but then, why did she ask me to live. Didn’t she know that I could not live without her?
With every sip of alcohol, I was blaming myself responsible for whatever had happened. I didn’t want to live anymore. How could I let it happen? It all started with me. It was my desire to be with her and I should be held guilty of that. I had committed a crime and I should not fear from
“Deterrence”. I opened that SMS and pressed delete button.
Within a few minutes, I will be falling freely from the same roof… I know that I am going against her last wish… but, there is no point in keeping her love alive for this society. As far as I am concerned, there is only one thing left within me – Remorse.
