Struggling with myself.

This is a big problem with me. At times, I find myself struggling with my inner self, a self that says me what is correct what is not. I question myself too frequently, and immediately try to avoid finding answer of it. Don't know whether the answer is too horrendous to listen to or, the question itself is too vague to be asked. At distance things look beautiful but, as they come closer, their closeness brings a sense of fear and neglect with me. Is it because, that song was bad or, I did not like the loudness of it. May be I would have appreciated the fainting sound of that song. But, why don't all things look beautiful from distance. Why is it that I like the fainting sound of that song and not its loudness. Looks like, it is human nature. But, still not sure, whether it is human nature or it is the nature of all beings.

I constantly run away from my thoughts. Don't know why, but, are my thoughts too dangerous that even I can't give it an ear. Thoughts are like rain drops, one after another and suddenly they disappear as they meet the soil. Is it the soil's thirst that gulps the rain water, or is it the rain drop's desperation that it can't satisfy the happiness of its meeting with soil. Is it that the thought is not worthy enough to be asked or is it we don't have answer to all the questions.

It is a written code that our species is superior to all other living beings because we have mind. Can't it be other way round that we are still the lowest in this race of intelligence. We still need a mind to think about but, may be other animals don't need a separate organ to think about such trivial issues.

Can't say, but it looks like there is something complex with our race. Someday, we will find the answer whether we are progressing or regressing.

Is it correct to publish my thoughts? I don't know but, I just felt like pressing the keys of my keyboard and write some nonsense. Is nonsense always insane, I don't think so... Lets celebrate this world of insanity... I am not the only one... this whole world is full of such insane and mad living creatures... I am just one of them... or, trying to one of them. I don't know and better, why should I ask this question. Not all the questions have answers but, that itself negates the theory of questioning. A question without answer is not not a question. It is something else... what is it... thought, nah! some thing else...

Lets find out. Concentrate... concentrate!!! fuck off... what is there in concentrating? I am trying to find out something that does not exist. Or, is it that we still don't know what to call a question that does not have answer.

Lets shut it up. There is no point of writing like this. In any case, I am not a structured thinker... then what I am? An unstructured thinker... that in itself is a big complement.

Please... end this story. This is definitely the worst piece of writing that I have done. But, the worst comes out only when you are not at ease. I am perfectly at my ease... had a fantastic dinner, and laying comfortably on my bed. Then how could it be worse?

Oh! this is enough.

Ok, Ok... Lets lock it. I am ending this post without any need of ending it. But, I don't like to talk with you, to listen to you. If you don't want to listen to me turn your head.

Whom am I talking with? You... not with 'I'. Forgive me if I have pained 'I' but, I like it. I like my other self talking with myself. That is the way I am.

IIT kanpur 1

A few days back when I returned from college and was looking for our hall 10 dhobi in hostel, a found a discussion going on. These dhobis at IIT (at other places also) are like a lifeline and, we recognised this fact during our first few days when RamRaj took our clothes and did not return it even after 15 days. The situation became so thought provoking that some of my friends presented it as a skit before the audience in fresher party. Since then, we are always careful in giving our clothes to them.

Jokes apart, the discussion was on the current situation of dhobis at IIT. We had already heard enough about IIT K - Nankari issue from RV but, I never gave enough attention to his thoughts. For those who don't know about this issue, IIT K is in the vicinity of Nankari village. When this college was established, vilagers from nankari were displaced, their lands were snatched from them. In lieu of that, they might have been given some compensation (that I always feel must have been too meagre) or some kind of work in this institution. A few of them became dhobis. Its been 50 years that this institution was established. And, now the descendants of those people are in the same business of providing service to IIT K. But, there have been many attempts from college management to remove them. This IIT K - Nankari issue has taken a critical shape here.

Well, any stand on this issue needs a first-hand research but, It gives me a feeling that something somewhere is wrong. Sometimes, I strongly agree with RV's take on this so called 'The Great IIT system'. Till the time, I do not get a deeper understnading of this issue, I have no rights to comment.

Gyan

Winter chill

Fog, chill and friends. A few moments captured tonight while I walked down the road.

Gyan

All izz well

Watched 3 idiots a few days back... Phew! I was expecting a little more in movie than just a copy of FPS. Let it be, that is already been a dragged issue between chetan and film maker and they are in a better position to comment not me.

A movie like this, then a passing year and then a long winter vacation of 45 days made me think about the proposition "All izz well." It all went on as expected... a fabulous year passed by side while I kept dancing on the tunes of bollywood numbers. Then I came back and started flipping through the photos that I captured in 2009. It feels so good... Ah! life can't be better than this. It looks like a ODI match in which I was undoubtedly the 'man of the match'. A sensational opening with a few good scores in MBA entrance exams... then running between the wickets to get some singles. An unexpected foreign tour that I call more luxury than usual on site engagements, final selection in IIT K, and then a king style way to resign from the company. Then, the second inning at IIT Kanpur. We call it hotel not the hostel, and you can very well guess the reason.

What more could have I demanded from life. I don't know whether it is true or not but, sometimes I feel that We always get what we desire.

2010 may not be same as 2009 but, it will be an another fabulous year which I am waiting for.

Why should not I tell myself "Chachu, All izzz well."

Gyan
03-01-2010