They say that I am a dumb, I talk non sense, I don't see the reality because I do not subscribe to the common idea of Today's world - that career and money is paramount to all other things in life. They feel that this is the way everybody lives in today's world - by living away from their homes and establishing the career. They say that career and prosperity resides in just a few pockets of India and that's where we should strive to go. They say that my education is a total waste if I do not contribute towards enriching this system of development and mass migration. They see their future in Seattle, in NY, in Australia because to them, these places are where work is, career is and wealth is.

I don't know why I feel really distanced from these ideas. I never had a dream of going to US, UK or anywhere because I always felt that my wealth is my family, my people. They are my strength. I never studied with a goal of earning fat salaries and living in a rich life style. I grew up in a lower middle class family and my aspirations were limited. I just wanted to make a living out of my education. Even today, I can't think of buying a SUV or Sedan, not because I am not capable of doing that but, because my upbringing has been done in such manner that these things never found a place in my thinking. I feel that prosperity and happiness lies with seeing your closed ones smiling, laughing... sharing their togetherness. Life has changed vastly in last decade and I feel I am left behind. Somewhere within me there is still an innocent student who 10 years back took his first steps outside his home in the hope that someday he will comeback with lot of smiles, and happiness on his face. Today, he is lost in the glory of this new upcoming world. He still wants to go back but, he doesn't know how to do that. There is so much at stake which he can't over look. He feels alone, deserted but, he doesn't know how to come out of this. There is so much of crowd around him still, there is no body whom he can call his own. Surely life has changed.

Today I am probably going to my home, with no hope, no positive emotions. I know this will come to an end very soon. Again next week, I will be taking the train back to come back to the place where I don't belong. I know that there is no way I can make things happen - I tried almost everything. I don't know why today I feel like crying because so much has accumulated with in me that I can't resist it any more. I am wasting my glorious years of youth in doing something which I don't like, at a place which I don't like, with those whom I don't have any attachments. What have I become!

I feel as if time is passing by my hand. I am just becoming a slave of my fortune, wherever it takes, I have to go. No decisions are made by me, by my choice -- I am just standing outside watching myself crushed minute by minute, second by second. I don't know what mistakes I committed to have deserved this. I ask God to please let me know at least this. Am I even not worthy of that? Please let me know. I thought of you as benevolent, as my master -- and look where have you brought me. I see myself on an end less march, on a pursuit which is resulting to nothing. Don't I have even rights to ask for am I paying for?

Every body says that things are fine, things are good; its just me who has built these notions inside my mind. But tell me, wasn't it you who guided my thinking in this manner? First, you put a seed in mind -- saying this is the virtuous path, this is what I had to aspire for. Then you showed me the way -- I was happier that you were with me, guiding me. But suddenly you left me. You stopped answering me. Are you different from me? Is the one living inside me, is different from you. Then, why this betrayal? I considered all the events as your indications, your languages, your signs towards a goal which I always dreamed for. I still need you the most, probably more than ever.

Why are you not answering....aaaaaaaaaagggggghhhhhhhh? Why so silent? This silence is killing me - from inside. Please answer me.